we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
