distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
