when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
