I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
