We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
