man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think my moral compass just broke
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
