if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
