Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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