I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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