I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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