Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
