We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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