running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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