I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
