I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
