I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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