I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
