Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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