Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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