Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
