i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
