I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.