it hurts more in the daytime
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So squirting runs in the family.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌