never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
