watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
