I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
