I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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