she kept yelling 'call me bella'
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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