i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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