At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
