The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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