You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
