just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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