if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
