Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
