I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
