He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
