im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
