Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
