I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
