its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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