Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
