I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
