We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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