I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
