Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
