i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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