I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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