dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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