I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
