I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
