I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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