It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
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Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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