I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
