So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
