I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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