I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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